Annus mirabilis

Birthdays are merely symbolic of how another
year has gone by and how little we've grown.
— Jerry Seinfeld

We started precisely one year ago, with double the postforce and ten times the financial expertise, with an initial grand plan and a statement of direction. Our accomplishments have been properly enumerated already. There is only one principle which we followed dependably: "We fully embrace capitalism on a good day in the markets, but tend to lean somewhat towards the other side on correction days." On chequebook-balancing days as well.

A one-year old is not too smart, but quite moody, irascible, and not yet potty trained. For the party, we decided a few anagrams will do. Tried this once or twice before and it calmed him down.

To start with, a few semiprofound caveats: the stock markets are a treacherous trek to smacks. Exchange-traded funds in general translate into one sexed, hand-crafted gun, though we weren't necessarily thinking of the leveraged variety. Dividend stocks anagram to odd dick invests. Not an endorsement...

A couple of things we were already aware of: mutual fund MER anagrams to fraudulent mum, while resource action (another way to be shown the door) anagrams to mild, cute coronaries. There is no other kind. Note that if we use the plural, as in a bit more massive layoffs, it gets cuter: resource actions anagram to coarse neurotics, which explains what my wise friend kindly calls the Losers' Forum — a necessary gathering place for a bit of venting and commiserating, frequented by those who are a bit on their way out. Generally speaking, reader discretion is advised here. We like peeking in such odd places, and recall a posting or two which made us chuckle. Someone determined he was due a higher severance, but was charitable: "The four weeks they stole from me will go to helping a needy executive." A comment to an article elsewhere but referenced in this forum, about a US kick-back scandal, suggests: "We should change the oath our elected officials take when entering office to the Miranda rights. It will save time in the long run."

Finally, we believe that there definitely must be some hidden truth in this anagramation method: a balanced portfolio is indeed cool and profitable, while ft, posting for one year is revealed as a stooping effrontery.

They say of me, and so they should,
It's doubtful if I come to good.
I see acquaintances and friends
Accumulating dividends,
And making enviable names
In science, art, and parlor games.
But I, despite expert advice,
Keep doing things I think are nice,
And though to good I never come -
Inseparable my nose and thumb!
— Dorothy Parker (who also published "Death
and Taxes", 1931), Neither Bloody Nor Bowed

Many happy returns

First of all, if the weekend finds you at a point of no return, do not despair. You still have until midnight Friday, April 30 to correct this.

Second. We did our taxes early this calendar year, therefore we can now afford to have some (bittersweet) fun with the subject.

The Table Talk of Samuel Marchbanks is a collection of Robertson Davies's witty columns, signed with the pseudonym Marchbanks, in the Peterborough Examiner. The book was first published way back in 1949. The good ol' date attests to the enduring quality of everything that has to do with Canadian income taxes (though their appeal is universal), a temporary wartime measure introduced in 1917. Here's what Marchbanks proposes on the matter:

This is a time of year when I think sourly of Government expenditures. I reckon that my Income Tax pays the salary of one minor official, such as the censor of books. [..] Frankly I think it would be a good idea if every taxpayer were told what government stooge he maintained. Small taxpayers would then feel that they owned an eighth of a charwoman; modest taxpayers like myself would own petty officials; wealthy men, who pay a lot of taxes, would be allotted ten or twenty clerks, or a brace of deputy ministers. With this knowledge we could go to Ottawa from time to time and chivvy and nag our hirelings. Such a scheme would give a taxpayer some pride in his taxpaying and would greatly increase bureaucratic efficiency.

Third, while we were engaged in calculating the medical expenses (lines 330 and 331) for several family members, the portion we could claim for each receipt after deducting the insurance refund (if any), the different totals for the one ideal twelve-month period vs. each one's 3% of net income (line 236) or $2,011 (whichever is less) threshold, and the potential refundable medical expense supplement (line 452) for all of this, we were hardly surprised to discover that income taxes anagrams suitably, appositely, and not so subtly into toxic enemas.

finarcical tactrics

Financial shmanancial. Now it's summer for real. Long on days, short on nights. Lazy. Volumes are lower. Hazy. Uptick, downtick. Crazy. Time is not money — I've got the time. Anagram Genius twists financial tactics into A fantastic clinic. It certainly explains a few things...

tactics

tictacs

PS If you don't see a big clock under tictacs, then clocklink.com may be down. If you don't see the King Gambit chess game diagram under tactics, then you may need glasses.